The one topic that no one talks about publicly...

Four Routes to Make Good Relational Decisions

Author

Emily Jiji
March 18, 2024

Cut ties? Resolve the issue? Take some space? Reconnect?

Over the last three weeks, I've found myself facing all four choices when it comes to friendships, and I’ve had to put a lot of thought in before making decisions.

Friendships are amazing since you have people to talk to when things get tough or when you want to have fun. But sometimes one relationship can take up a lot of mental energy and can affect your performance in other areas of life.

And it may be time to make a decision.

This newsletter will cover these four routes to help you make better decisions when it comes to your relationships:

  • Cutting ties

  • Resolving the issue

  • Taking some space

  • Reconnecting

I hope that you find my perspective useful in current or future challenges you may face to help set you up to make good decisions.

Cutting ties: 

  • Do what is best for yourself and respect your boundaries & perspective. If someone can’t comprehend or respect your perspective, don’t try to change yourself

  • If the friendship isn’t reciprocal, letting go will serve your long-term interests

I’ve had to do this several times but each time it gets easier to address. The process doesn’t have to be dramatic. It will be hard to let go of someone when you invested a lot of your time into them. But if you feel like you are clinging onto a person, or they are doing the same to you, let them go.

This point is wonderfully addressed by this quote from Attack on Titan:

“If you can’t let it go, it’s not worth holding onto” - Armin Arlert

I thought about this line for about a year before understanding it. I had so many questions about it:

Why is not letting go such a bad thing?

So, I’m not supposed to hold onto anything that matters to me?

What exactly is being let go? My goals, expectations, etc?

This quote can be applied to both career and relationships:

If you can let your expectations go - you will be free to do whatever you want to the best of your ability.

If you let a person go - you will be free of their judgment and emotional attachment and can eventually move forward with your life

This really sucks, but I learned that if I don’t let them go the weight of the memories and negative emotions it creates for me will prevent me from living my best life.

In summary, the quote means if you are holding onto something or someone that negatively impacts on you, you should let it go because it will prevent you from being free from these emotions and expectations.

Resolve the issue: 

  • If the friendship has brought you a lot and you don’t want an issue to ruin things, talk to the person and figure it out.

  • Spend quality time with that person afterward to remind you why you are friends

Resolving the issue can also be hard. I’ve had to think for many hours on how to figure out what is wrong, what I can do, and what exactly to address.

The conversations may seem uncomfortable, but the more logically you address them, the easier it is to resolve them.

After these conversations, there is a sense of relief, which takes out the underlying stress that you have.

Take some space:

  • Nothing is terribly wrong and the friendship is mostly positive - but one party needs space. And that’s ok - listen to your gut and prevent the friendship from taking the wrong turn

Sometimes I can sense that I need space from people. Maybe there is too much talking about the same things. Maybe I come off too strongly sometimes. Maybe I want more time by myself.

But it can be fixed with some space and I (and you) can meet them again where both parties have a fresh pair of eyes.

I can also sense when people need space from me. Not that I do anything wrong, I try my best to be a positive person and a good friend. And although nothing specifically happens, I can just tell when people need some space before hanging out again.

This decision doesn’t have to be that deep, other people needing your attention isn’t your responsibility.

Either side you may be on, it’s okay and you are not a bad person. Space can solve these problems.

Reconnect: 

  • Have you ever had a friend that you stopped talking to but forgot why? Reconnect with them!

This happened a few times these last few weeks. All of a sudden you see someone you haven’t seen in months, and you are back to being good friends.

Reconnecting is totally possible as long as there is no strong emotional attachment involved.

I’ve found that the more time I spend not deciding between these 4 routes, the more stressed I feel.

This impacts my performance and prevents me from making strategic decisions with a level head.

Writing this has been a good reflection for myself and I hope one of you who reads this finds this relevant to a current situation you face.

Addressing these types of problems helps us approach more professional-related problems with a clearer head and better judgment, so I thought it was important to talk about.

In the following newsletters, I will share weekly updates with you on what I’ve learned, my startup/builder journey, UF student founder stories, and will strive to be a source of encouragement for you guys.

In exchange, this will help me communicate better and keep me accountable.

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